Why Individuals should abandon the thought of marriage as an “end goal”
by BlaqKharma · January 12, 2023
Black America is the only group that spends the time to harp on these pointless social debates. The marriage debate is almost as annoying as the egotistical, “Who eats first ?” argument. Both come across as lack-minded AF. Actually, I take that back. So many people are in need of healing and an understanding of self first (including myself). Watching these pointless debates amongst my people further supports the need for healing.
The internet houses so many false flagging relationship gurus and “woketivists”. They speak so “matter-of-factly” as if they have all the answers. What’s even crazier is that these same people, that look like the rest of us, come off in a very condescending manner. Then, to add insult to injury, they call that shit “tough love”. Tough love that nobody asked them for at that… Infamous Youtuber Derrick Jaxon is a perfect example of this type of character…
I decided to give my opinion on the sacred union known as marriage. Why not? We can’t stop talking about it anyway. I am convinced that the sky could be raining fire and our people will still be tearing each other down on social media. It’s exhausting.
I do not aspire to be a married woman. Don’t get me wrong, true love and marriage are both beautiful. Yet, even with all that beauty, I have a hard time mustering up tears at the idea of never adding “Mrs.” to my name. If it is not meant for me to have a husband in this life, then so be it. The type of life that I lived will define me, not a title. or a spouse…
Unpopular Opinion #1: Strictly Business
Treat a marriage the same way you treat a business. Imagine starting a business with a partner. You figure out what the logistics of your company will be in theory. The two of you work on a business plan. Both you and your partner sit down to outline goals and objectives for the first five years of operation. You also agree to check in on that plan at least once a year for those first few years. Next, you go and file the necessary paperwork with the state to make the business a legal entity in the eyes of the law. Don’t forget, “In God we Trust”. That is the easy part.
Trust me, entrepreneurship is hard. I can give real testimony to the raw realities encountered in operating my own company. Being the boss is full-blown life-changing work. Nobody, in their right mind, establishes a company and decides that it’s done after. It is already understood that running your own business is work. Can we honestly say that we view marriage the same way? If it is illogical to establish a business without a plan of action, why don’t we plan for the life of the marriage? So many of us are killing our marriages before saying “I do” at the altar. “I do” does not translate to “I’m done”. The hell?!
Unpopular Opinion #2: Heal yo’ damn self first
Please HEAL before you go talking “forever” with someone. Above anything, YOU should be your top priority. Your “end goal”, should be, working on yourself and improving your quality of life. Especially if you are a black man or black woman. Let me be real, we are a marginalized group. We have survived the wildest traumas one can experience. We also have to be cognizant of the traumas we inherit from our ancestors. We cannot move towards marriage and live without addressing our deeply rooted issues?
That dreaded shadow…
We all have a shadow. We were conditioned to learn what a shadow is from various cartoons such as Peter pan. The opening scene of Peter Pan was Peter Pan chasing his shadow which he lost control of. He had the nail the shadow to his shoes so that his shadow would stay with him. We all have this shadow side. This is the side of us that is the ugliest. Oftentimes, our shadow side serves as the side of us that we do not like. That shadow is wild and hard to tame. This may even be a side of us that gives us shame.
In reality, we hurt yourselves by failing to attend to our shadow work. Shadow work is a transformational process that helps us uncover the disowned parts of our unconscious selves. . Shadow work helps us to integrate the “darker” aspects of our lives. When we choose to attend to that shadow side, we are enabling ourselves to become more whole, balanced, and conscious individuals. Without this depth of self-awareness, we can feel isolated and disconnected from our authentic power and path in life.
We must attend to the shadow side and understand the ugly about ourselves. Maybe then, after doing that shadow work, we can actually have a real conversation about why it is that it seems like black men and women love taking to social media to tear each other down leaving all kinds of horrible examples to our children. I’m sorry, a lot of y’all are rallying hard for more black marriages and black families, I am rooting even harder for more balanced and well-developed people who have taken their healing into their own hands. I’m not down with marrying the “sick” for the sake of saying, I have a spouse and family. This marriage shit is deep.
From the way that a lot of US post on social media, so many of us don’t even have a complete understanding of what a marriage is. Half of these people today would never make it in a real marriage because of ego. I’m not pointing fingers at black men or black women, I’m pointing fingers at the collective. As a people, there is so much work needed. Healing trumps a fairy-tale “marriage. You ain’t no damn good if you do not heal from traumas sustained earlier in life.
Unpopular Opinion #3: Everyone ain’t cut out for long term commitment in the “microwave” age.
As stated earlier, when two individuals combine and establish their own union, life is evolving. This beautiful and sacred act is not a “stop” or “decline”. Matrimony is the beginning of something new and beautiful. We praise Marriage as the ultimate partnership goal that we strive to achieve…
I wish people put more emphasis on the actual peaks and valleys that come with the marriage journey. It like we plan, rehearse and prepare for the wedding, enjoy the honeymoon and… DASSIT. Marriage is a transformation. You are no longer a singular individual. You become a unit. A marriage should not be an “end” of anything. A marriage is a new beginning, a new union.
