Imagine being at one of the most pivotal moments of your life. Your body is doing one of the most natural acts of science: Grow and develop life. Imagine feeling all of the emotions that come along with a new journey into motherhood: Happiness, anxiousness, and maybe even a little bit of suspense to name a few… Now… Can you imagine taking all of those emotions and wrapping them into a ball and shrouding that ball in a weighted blanket that is draining your energy slowly.  This isn’t imaginary, this is real. This is a part of what antepartum depression feels like.

What is Antepartum Depression:

“Ante” means before. Short and simple: Antepartum depression is depression that occurs  in the mother before the baby arrives. More specifically: a depressed pregnancy journey. This medical term can also be referred to as “antepartal”, “Perinatal” and “prepartal” depression.

You’re full of life literally, yet your excitement may seem temporary. However, You can’t stop crying and in the pit of your soul, you cannot escape the feeling of “doom”… What is even worse is the physical aches accompanying the negative feelings and thoughts that you can’t seem to unsubscribe to. It gets deeper.

It is estimated that as many as 23% of pregnant women will experience some form of depression while pregnant. However, when is it time to seek help about proocessing you feelings? When you are pregnant, you are more at risk to develop a condition like antepartum and postpartum depression for several reasons. Look at it from this perspective: your hormones are changing rapidly by the day.

You body goes through so many chemical and physical changes through a short period of time. We often hear stories about postpartum and what it takes to balance yourself back out after the baby gets here. What we never seem to talk about is the process of getting the baby here safely.

Sometimes, pregnant women struggle harder than most. What I would personally like to see is more conversation and support groups for women who are actively pregnant and battling  to stay balanced mentally and emotionally. I went through this when I was pregnant with my second baby. I could not get a grip. My antepartum depression was brought on by several factors.

Awareness is everything. If you do not take anything from this article, I want you to at least understand what antepartum is  and it does not make you “weak”. Having moodswings is normal during a pregnancy. When the lows get to be too low and for too long, or if you start thinking of harming yourself and/or the life of your unborn, seek help.

Symptoms of Antepartum Depression:

• Feeling of “doom” and/or hopelessness
• decreased appetite or excessive overeating
• Sleep disturbances or irregular sleep patterns ie. insomnia, too much sleep
• Anxiousness, irritability, and fatique
• Feeling suicidal
• Lost of interest in things that you love
• Not gaining enough weight and even packing on too much

Risks associated with Antepartum depression:

• Genetics. Is there a family history of bipolar disorder or depression?
• Everyday life and environmental stress
• Economic mishaps/status/ income pool
• Domestic Violence/abuse

My case of antepartum was different. I was in a toxic relationship with my son’s father that resulted in me experiencing domestic violence and homelessness while pregnant. We had absolutely no support and the people that were supposed to care about me and/or my child did absolutely nothing. Instead, they continued to go to church and praise Jesus… I experienced antepartum depression because I was pregnant and feeling like I was suffocating. My second pregnancy was one of the worst experiences of my life.  However, when I look at my now three-year-old son, I am reminded that his mother is strong and persevered. I got my baby here safely with zero help from his father or “family”.

After 27.5 Hour of labor, I naturally  delivered that 8lb 4oz miracle baby, I knew that I had to be okay. I didn’t know how I would be okay but I knew that I had to make it work. My situation got a little bit worse before it improved. When you have absolutely worse. Once the baby was here, Antepartum was over with. However, postpartum became the new battle.

How did I get better?

After becoming homeless while still pregnant, I was in a state of trauma that was scary. I didn’t admit this at the time but, I was literally driving around aimlessly thinking about dying.  My daughter was in the backseat… I knew that “leaving” wasn’t an option and being that my son’s father, did what he did… “Who tf is going to take care of my children better than me in my absence?” was all that I could think. I began seeing a therapist until I finished my pregnancy. Once I had the baby, I still continued my sessions. They helped. I found a therapist that I was comfortable with. She helped me to understand that I was not irretrievably broken. She helped me to see and understand that I matter and most of all, she helped me to see that the relationship that I was in never had “love” in it. If you ever really loved someone, you don’t discard them and your own unborn child like trash….

Again, lets be  clear. This article is not about smearing my baby daddy… This article is about pregnancy and mental health. I am transparent about my journey but at the end of the day, it’s not about blaming and pointing fingers. It’s about HEALING and support.

The major turning point for me was that I realized that  I had to ultimately forgive myself for not seeing redflags and creating a child with someone at a time in my life where I didn’t need to expand my already small family. I also realized that I struggled with bouts of depression before pregnancy and this spilled over into my pregnancy journey. Once I realized this, I went back and started doing the work… I’m still doing the work. My bout with antepartum depression  made me take a serious look at my mental health.