There is a kind of person who loves the idea of being a parent. They love how it sounds, how it looks on them, and how people soften when they say “my kids.” The title comes with applause and assumptions. Folks hear it and start handing out credit like parenting is a vibe instead of a verb. But the real version of parenting, the one that requires consistency, sacrifice, humility, and boring responsibility, is the part they avoid. The part that does not get posted. The part that lives in doctors’ offices, school meetings, daily routines, and hard seasons, when nobody is clapping.
Performative parenting is simple to define. It is claiming the identity of a parent while refusing the consistent actions that make a child feel safe and cared for. It is wanting praise without labor, reputation without responsibility, and “respect” without accountability. A performative parent wants the title, the sympathy, and the public image, without doing the work that proves it.
I have watched people claim their children out loud while abandoning them in practice. They will say “I love my kids” with their whole chest, then vanish when it is time to do anything that backs up the statement. Somehow, there is always time for drama, dating, social media, arguments, control games, and everybody else’s business, but no time for parenting. The pattern tells the truth even when the mouth lies. When someone only shows up for the parts that feed their ego, that is not parenting. That is performance.
Now, let me cut off the easy counters, because I am not interested in cheap arguments. Yes, life gets complicated. Court restrictions are real. Poverty is real. Mental health struggles are real. Addiction is real. Transportation issues are real. Housing instability, especially now, is very real. Work schedule conflicts are real. I am not pretending that obstacles do not exist. I am saying disappearance is still a choice. If you cannot show up one way, you find another way. As a parent, you communicate, contribute, stay accountable, and remain present in the ways you actually can. A child does not stop needing you because adult life is hard.
Mental health belongs in this conversation too, because it is heavy and it is real. Depression gets labeled as laziness. Trauma gets dressed up as toughness. Addiction hides behind pride. Emotional shutdown gets excused as “I’m just private.” The stigma around therapy is real, and so is the fear of being judged, the fear of being seen as weak, and the fear of admitting you need help.
What is also real is how some people weaponize that silence. They use it like a shield, then hand the consequences to everybody else. Instead of getting help, they double down. Instead of healing, they hide. Instead of taking accountability, they dodge it and expect other people to carry the fallout. I’m sorry, but that is some bitch-made-ass behavior.
Abandonment is not only about money, and I am tired of people pretending it is. Money matters, but it is not the whole story. Presence matters, effort matters, and reliability matters. I have seen people find time, energy, and creativity when they want to impress somebody or protect an image. They will post quotes about family, talk big about legacy, and talk big about being a good mom or a great dad, then act like the basic realities of parenting are beneath them. If you can show up when it benefits you, you can show up when it is required.
For some people, parenting becomes transactional. Their involvement depends on access, comfort, and control. If they are not getting their way, the child becomes an afterthought. Boundaries go up and the excuses come out fast: “I’m blocked,” “I’m disrespected,” “I’m going through it.” Suddenly, they are the victim, and the child becomes collateral. That is not parenting. That is entitlement.
Real parenting is not a performance. It is showing up when it is boring, inconvenient, and unglamorous. It is learning your child instead of expecting your child to adapt to your ego. Real parenting is knowing the pediatrician, the school, the routines, the struggles, and what actually helps. It is being dependable without needing praise. It is taking responsibility without tying it to your relationship status, mood, or conflict with the other parent.
Let me make it plain, because people love to argue theory. Picture a pediatrician appointment. The doctor asks basic questions: what the child eats, what sleep looks like, what changed, what helps, and what triggers the crying. The room goes quiet because only one parent actually knows the answers. Not because they are controlling. Not because they want to be everything. Because they have been forced to become the entire system.
Parenting is also legal and practical. Paperwork matters. Being on record matters. Responsibility matters. You cannot duck the legal part and then act shocked when access is limited. You cannot call yourself a provider while refusing financial responsibility. You cannot stay off the books on purpose and then blame the system for the consequences. A parent who is for real does their job whether or not they feel validated, forgiven, or catered to. This is not about control. It is about consistency, because the child is NOT responsible for your emotions.
Plain and simple: If you want to be a parent for real, do the boring work. Get consistent. Get legal if you need to. Show up to the appointments. Learn your child. Pay what you owe. Communicate without games. Stop blaming the other parent. Stop acting like being asked to show up is an attack. Be fukkin’ accountable, gotdamn. If you cannot do that yet, be honest and get help, because your child deserves more than your performance.
Performative parenting might look good online, but children do not live on your timeline, your ego, or your excuses. They live in real days, with real needs, and they remember who showed up and who made everything about themselves. If your love only appears when it is convenient, public, or beneficial, then it is not love that a child can stand on. Children do not need a performance. They need a parent who shows up, stays consistent, and stops making them pay for adult immaturity.