The Lie Behind “I Want to Take Care of You”

I want to take care of you.”

That line sounds beautiful until you have lived through what it really means, or if you are naive as fukk. It is one of those phrases that carries a double meaning. On the surface, it sounds romantic and protective. But underneath, it can be the first sign that control is being disguised as love.

The first time I heard it, I believed it. I was younger and still thought that a man wanting to take care of me was something I was supposed to be grateful for. I thought it meant that he saw me as special. I thought it meant that he was ready to build a life. What it really meant was that he wanted access and authority. It meant that he wanted to call the shots while using money, affection, or manipulation as leverage. When the relationship ended, I was left to rebuild my life from the ground up. My grandmother and mother warned me about that. They always said, “Keep your own money and your own name straight.” Always maintain your independence.

Years later, I heard the same line again from a different man, and my body tensed immediately. My intuition did not hear love. It heard danger. I was older, more grounded, and had already learned that no man in his right mind wants to take on another person’s responsibilities unless there is something in it for him. Taking care of another adult requires work, patience, and accountability. Truth be told, most people who use that line are not built for any of that.

I learned that lesson firsthand. What sounded like protection ended up being control, and what looked like love became survival. Love should never sound like an agreement of dependency. It should sound like a partnership. Equal give and take. It should sound like two people who both have their own lives, their own goals, and their own strength coming together to create balance. When a man tells a woman that he wants to take care of her, he is often not talking about partnership at all. He is talking about possession.

There is a big difference between a man who supports you and a man who wants to manage you. One uplifts you; the other drains you. One values your independence; the other quietly resents it. A man who truly wants to see you thrive will simply show up and do it with no announcement needed. He will not make announcements. He will not use it as a way to gain control or authority. He will move with consistency and respect, not empty promises.

I have lived both sides of that statement. The fantasy and the fallout. The first time, it cost me everything. The second time, it did not take my independence, but it tested my peace. I still had my roof, my car, and my bills paid. I even created a contingency fund because deep down, I knew the sweet would eventually turn sour. I never stopped counting on myself. I am a mother before anything, and my family will always come before dick. Looking back, I should have never entertained that situation at all. I knew it was cap. I honestly did way more for him than he could have ever done for me.

The situation racked up unnecessary bills and left me with debt that my independent self had to clear on my own. The same man who said he wanted to take care of me was also the one who disrespected my space, ignored my boundaries, and brought chaos into my home. He made choices that exposed me and my family to reckless situations. Watching how easily he was manipulated by people who did not respect him showed me exactly how unsafe I was. When a man cannot even protect his own dignity, he cannot protect yours either.

The truth is, many men say they want to take care of a woman because they think it makes them sound noble. They think it makes them look strong. But if you strip away the words and look at the reality, most of them are unprepared to lead, unprepared to provide, and unprepared to handle the emotional or financial responsibility that comes with that claim. So what they end up doing is trying to control instead. They build a dependency they cannot maintain and then blame the woman when it falls apart.

I refuse to romanticize that shit. The idea of being taken care of sounds nice until you realize the cost of it. It costs freedom, peace, and power. It costs you your voice. It costs you your ability to move without permission. I do not want to be taken care of. I want to build with someone who understands that respect and accountability go both ways.

Love should not come with a leash. It should come with truth, balance, and growth. If a man truly wants to take care of you, he will not stand over you pretending to save you. He will stand beside you, ready to build.

Read the companion reflection on BPD Pisces: 👉🏽 When Protection Feels Like a Lie: a personal piece about learning to trust intuition and walk away from chaos before it consumes you.