Whenever we hear the words “domestic abuse,” we oftentimes think about black eyes and busted noses. You instantly think of tears and broken skin. The physical aspects come to mind first. What about before all of that? Better yet, what about domestic abuse that is non-physical? Why aren’t we talking about that?
Being a survivor of domestic abuse myself, I still can honestly say that everyone who commits these horrible acts aren’t necessarily bad people. Because of my ordeal, whenever I think or hear of domestic violence/abuse, I feel hurt, pain, and anger. What brought the abuser to that point? With that being said, hurt and pain do not give one a pass for abusive behavior. As someone who went through domestic abuse and survived it, I felt that it was important to put together a post like this, highlighting red flags that we can easily miss in a domestic abuse situation.
Control/Jealousy/Isolation
In the early stages of a relationship, an abuser will often come off as being extremely close, watchful, or even slightly possessive. At first, the extra phone calls and close eye may seem like a gesture of love and care, but in time, the control will begin to smother you. Abusers are also very insecure. Before you know it, you will be changing regular routines in your life, dealing with friends and maybe even family less, just to make your abuser happy. Abusers love to isolate their victims. They want to be the only one that their victim needs and has access to. The less accessible the victim is to the outside world, the better for the abuser.
Example: Social media can suddenly become a problem as the relationship progresses. The abuser will either want you to get rid of it, often guilting you for using it, or will have an issue with you taking phone calls. This is not love. The is possessiveness, and possessiveness is not a sign of endearment; it is a sign of abuse.
Lack of Ownership/Hypersensitivity
Abusers do not take ownership of anything that they do or say. Instead of taking ownership of their mess-ups and shortcomings, they would rather point the finger. It is so much easier to shift the blame and project the madness onto someone else. If you really get the best of them when you call them out for something, they will still find a way to blame the victim. Emotional control (self-control) for the abuser is a joke. They will yell, scream, cry… anything. As long as it is taking the attention off the issue. If things do not go their way, they will manipulate you into getting what they want, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. If you hurt their feelings in the slightest bit (even with the truth), they will never let you live that down.
Locking and Loading
Abusers like to move swiftly during the honeymoon phase of the relationship. You know, when everything is fresh and new, and you are still in a heightened state of infatuation. To aid in making themselves feel secure, they want to lock and load their new love quickly before they even get to completely know them personally. Things like marriage, family, and children can and will happen fast. They care nothing about reasonable timelines and growth. Nothing matters; they want what they want, and they want it before their victim learns who they really are, before the honeymoon phase ends. They are overly insecure and will begin to smother the life out of you from day one.
A “No” is unacceptable
They will guilt you for saying “no.” Hearing a “yes” all the time is not realistic. In fact, it is quite unhealthy. Most abusers do not like to hear the word “no,” because when you hear the word no it is a reality check that you are not in complete control. Abusers love feeling like they are in the driver’s seat at all times. You take away their power, and they have nothing.
Breaking/Destroying Possessions
This is one of the worst ones. This one is as damaging as hitting the victim in the face with a closed fist. In a past relationship, my abuser got into the habit of breaking things in front of my face (my things, at that). It didn’t matter who was around: children, family, etc. From my own personal testimony, this one did the most damage to me. I would have almost rather he struck me with his fist instead of doing this. I was also very pregnant when I went through this level of abuse. This makes the victim feel like they are completely worthless. It weighs on your self-esteem and value. This one hurts, especially if you are in a position where you feel that you cannot move and/or have zero allies in your corner. Not to mention, I had a then-3-year-old daughter watching.
Domestic abuse is never okay. You can’t make excuses for why someone abuses you, and more importantly, you cannot “fix” this person. An abuser has to be open with themselves, see the issue, and want to change themselves for the better. Domestic abuse starts way before you are physically stuck. We often times do not understand the signs. No victim deserves this. For me personally, after going through an abusive relationship with my child’s father, I immediately sought counseling. Keep in mind that my abuser kicked my daughter and me out of the home during the summer while I was 9 months pregnant with his baby. We became homeless… The worst part is that his family stood by and watched, doing nothing. I am still in counseling and refuse to date anyone until I know for sure that I am okay emotionally. Abuse for both the abuser and the victim cannot be healed overnight.
If you or anyone you know is suffering from abuse, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You change the situation when you are honest with yourself and can recognize that help is needed.