Death to the Ride or Die
by BlaqKharma · January 6, 2025
For far too long, I subscribed to the notion of being a “ride or die” in relationships. I gave everything—my time, energy, and love—to men. They left me with only more trauma to unpack. Alone. Now, as a Black woman, almost 40 and done having kids, I realize something: I’m done helping anyone build. I am building for myself. Life has shown me that the only person who will ever truly be in my corner is me.
Within ten years, I have had two serious relationships that taught me this harsh truth. Despite the time and emotional investment, neither connection left me with anything meaningful to show for it. Instead, I walked away from both with emotional scars. Deep healing is still in progress. If the result was self-imposed isolation and more burdens, I should have just stayed alone from the start.
I’ve spent too much of my life being “understanding.” I excused behavior that didn’t serve me. I tried to fit my idea of what a relationship should be. I was always trying to “make it work,” even when the work was draining me. The truth is, I have terrible taste in men. The men I’ve dated weren’t necessarily bad people, but they couldn’t provide what I needed. I want a man who lets me rest in my femininity. He should make me feel cared for and secure, without constant sacrifice on my part. You know, reciprocity… One harsh truth that i’ve come to accept is that chasing that dream isn’t worth my peace. I finally have come to realize that I have always been everything that I needed. I messed up when I forgot that.
Building on my own now means truly prioritizing myself in addition to my children. It means letting go of the fantasy that I need a “significant other” to complete my life. I am choosing to enter the second half of my life with the clarity that I do not wish to share it with a man. The idea that a partner validates my worth or makes my life more meaningful is a lie. I’ve always been a vibe I refuse to believe any more of the world’s fukk’d up norms. My worth has never been, and will never be, tied to my relationship status.
This realization didn’t come easily. Society, especially as it pertains to Black women, pressures us to be the backbone of everyone else’s dreams. We’re often expected to endure, to “ride or die,” as though our value is measured by how much we can endure for others. Not over here; I’ve had enough. I only have to care for myself and my children. I am unapologetic in putting my needs first. That means saying no to relationships that require me to minimize who I am or pour endlessly into someone else without reciprocity.
For years, I believed in “love by any means.” I believed that love meant sacrificing my comfort, my boundaries, and sometimes even my dreams. But now, I understand that love—real love—starts with me. It starts with knowing my worth and refusing to settle for anything less. The “ride or die” mentality is a trap. It glorifies suffering for love. It romanticizes endurance at the cost of our happiness.
Letting go of this mindset has been liberating. I feel no need to justify my singleness or explain my choices to anyone. I am finding joy in building a life that serves me. It will prioritize my mental health, growth, and happiness. I’ve spent years putting my children first, and now, I am putting myself on that same pedestal. Because if I’m not whole, I cannot give them the best version of myself.
This isn’t a rejection of love entirely—it’s a rejection of the version of love that demands my silence, my suffering, and my sacrifice. If love comes into my life again, it will be a love that complements me, not one that consumes me. But if it doesn’t, I am at peace with that too. My life is full because I am full. My dreams, my goals, and my self-worth are enough to carry me through the years ahead.
Death to the ride or die. Death to the idea that my value is tied to how much I can endure for someone else. Death to the belief that I need a man to make my life complete. I am enough. I have always been enough.
To any woman exhausted from “playing the role” in an unequal relationship: You don’t owe anyone your suffering. You deserve a love that feeds your soul, but even more importantly, you deserve to feed your soul first. Let go of the ride or die and step fully into the power of your journey.
