Depression is a word that has been thrown around in the media lately. With the shocking suicide of Robin Williams and most recently X-factor star Simone Battle, a dialogue has finally opened up. What is this… “Depression” that is tragically bringing some of our most vibrant and cherished loved ones to the end of their road? More importantly, why are there reports of even more people losing this battle now? Depression can affect anyone. Your race or class has nothing to do with it. This post, for me, is very self reflective in so many ways. I have silently been the face of depression since childhood for various reasons. I got used to living in pain and not releasing. I can finally show my face and be real about my past battles with this and my own sincere attempt at suicide (detailed memoir in the works NOW). What’s the worst someone can do after reading this article: identify with what i’m saying or try to humiliate me with my own story? I OWN IT. I am not ashamed of what I have been through and what I have survived. That in itself is beautiful. At one point in my life, I literally “let go” and decided that if “hell” was real, it had to be paradise in comparison to what I was going though on earth. This article is an account of what depression is through the eyes of someone who was saved from their own attempt to end their life’s experience. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO FILTER…
Depression is literally a spirit. It is an invisible force that you can feel both in a sensory and emotional aspect. It’s almost like having an invisible person in the room watching your every move and whispering negative affirmations around you and in your ear. When you are depressed, you are in pain. Sometimes the pain is so great, you can feel it when it penetrates your body. Depression has to enter inside of you. That itself is a process. Often times we submit to the negativity that we hear and feel without realizing what it is. Depression is like a parasite. The spirit thrives inside of a host/human. The feeling can only be described as this bone chilling coldness that you cannot get rid of. Sometimes, it hurts you physically. Depression is illogical thoughts that sometimes seems to be placed in your head at times for no reason. When you are depressed, it is so easy for you to make sense of thoughts that may seem crazy: for instance, your mind will come up with sound reasons as to why you are in a slump and/or why you should tragically take matters into you own hands. When you are depressed, you are on the brink of insanity.
I can write this article in confidence, knowing that everyone who comes to this site is not a fan, supporter, or friend. IT’S A GOOD THING THAT I DON’T GIVE A F*KK ABOUT A PERSON’S JUDGEMENT. I have been through far too much to care about that. I just acknowledged that i am a survivor, i’ve survived more than harsh words and gossip. I AM FREE…. Acknowledging my truth does not make me a weak individual. Covering it up would. I am NOT afraid of my testimony. I am grateful that I finally found the strength to pass it along because there is someone out there on the other side of this screen that is living in their own personal hell privately. Maybe that person is fighting the battle of their life or maybe they are/were planning their final moments on earth. I pray that is article saves a life and gains understanding on what this is. Depression is an evil entity. It is a spirit/demon, and when it wants your life, it become relentless in it’s pursuit to have your soul. This isn’t “old time” religion or church talk.
It doesn’t matter how beautiful you are on the outside, you never know what someone is battling within. When you look at Both Simone Battles and Robin Williams, you would think that their lives were great. At least, that’s how it appeared to the rest of the world on the outside. Inside, these people were hurting. They were plagued by this spirit of depression that ultimately coached them into taking their own lives. They both hung themselves. In the end, neither one of them won their fight with depression.
I realize that I am blessed. I am blessed because, I literally walked in the fire and did not die. Instead, I have a few wounds to nurse and a powerful testimony that will help someone else heal. I write this post in hopes that I am setting someone free with my words. Depression still comes for me til this day. The difference between now and then for me is… I know without a doubt that God is real. I may not know the whole biblical story, I may not even be sure about Jesus but God…. God is real. On the night that I tired to end my life, I literally saw God work for in the form of many people. The right support team was placed into my life and I began to receive what I think I have been missing from my life: Love… A pure honest and genuine Love.
So, when I feel that energy coming for me, I take it to God. I’ll separate myself from everyone if only for 5 minutes just so I can speak to God aloud. That is what has helped me to realize what this is work towards defeating it. Every day isn’t victorious. Some days, I do submit and I get stuck in my head but it doesn’t always last. I refuse to stay down for too long. I do not take medication, for me this is all about spiritual warfare. This spirit has surrounded me since I was a little girl I don’t want to dumb it down or mask it with meds. I have to face it head on. Depression is real. Some of the world’s biggest influencers are have been plagued by depression… It’s sad because for some people, the fight against expression is the battle of their lives. Everyone doesn’t make it…
R.I.P TO THOSE WHO DIDN’T MAKE IT…..